Annual Mentor Mom Panel 2018

Mentor Mom Wisdom

Written/Recorded by Amber Graziano

Hello mamas!

            What a wonderful meeting this morning with our Mentor Moms up on stage sharing their words of wisdom and expertise with all of us. These mentor moms really have a lot to offer us newer moms, as many of them have 20, 30, or 40+ years of marriage experience and they’ve raised their children up into adulthood. Let’s get right into the question and answer session and see what they had to say.

NOTE: I did my best to record what they had to say, but I didn’t do names and please don’t get angry if I didn’t get something you said quite right!

       

 

Question: Looking back, what were the most important or impactful things you were glad you did as a parent?

Answer: I learned my kids’ love language. The 5 love languages are: words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, quality time, and physical touch. All kids are different, and when you know their love language, you can really reach them on the individual level. There’s even a kids book on the 5 love languages. I also learned to take them out of their comfort zone to teach them stuff. I let them order their own meals and talk to people. We kept Sunday as a family day or day of rest. We took breaks, they’re so necessary. We didn’t have a lot of money so we made a lot of memories, and we did family dinner every night. Also, limiting time on the TV and computer is so important.

Answer: Raise the kids in the church and it never departs from them. They can stray, but they always come back. No matter what, instill Christ in them because it never leaves them.

Question: What parenting roles seemed important but looking back were not?

Answer: Having a strict bed time and a routine was so important back then. I remember making sure everything got done in a timely manner and the kids went to bed at exactly the right time. Then, my husband would come into the room and start playing with the kids. (“It’s the claw!”) I would get so mad because after that, they were all hyper! Now, I look back and realize that the kids loved the ritual of the bed time routine, especially the part where their dad would do “the claw!” Looking back, I would be more appreciative that dad wanted to be a part of it, and try not to criticize him for “messing up” the routine.

Answer: I was a stickler for the time crunch. Bath time and bed time were very structured. I wish I had went with the flow a little more because when you think about it, thirty minutes isn’t a big deal. Let them go to bed a little later sometimes.

Q: How did you make individual time for each child?

Answer: It’s challenging to carve out the time between work and all of our other responsibilities. I had a date night with each of my girls. Get a babysitter and have that one-on-one quality time. You don’t need a lot of money or time. Even 10-15 minutes will do. Focus on your kids, be present with them, and put your phone down. They crave your attention!! Talk about anything and everything. Ask them questions. They love one-on-one time with mom.

Question: How did you deal with you and your spouse having different parenting styles?

Answer: Be consistent and follow through with consequences. Both parents have to be on the same page. In our family it was always “The 3 D’s- deceit, disobedience, and disrespect”. All discipline falls under those 3 things. Discipline has negative connotations, but God doesn’t look at discipline as negative. Take Proverbs 3:11-12, for example: “My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline, and do not resent his rebuke, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in.” Discipline is not to make our life easier, but to shape our child’s character to be the best person he or she can be. Discipline is training to win the race, and it isn’t fun. It’s hard work, and you have to put in the time and effort. My husband and I sat down together and talked about the kind of adult we wanted our kids to be. We didn’t just say we wanted our kids to be “happy,” or “a doctor”, or “a lawyer”. We wanted to shape them as a person to have integrity, self-control, honesty, faithfulness, and caring for others. Scientific research shows that a person’s character, rather than their IQ or GPA, leads to happiness and satisfaction in adulthood. Also, teach your kids that there’s always consequences, good or bad. Deuteronomy tells us that we have choices to make: you can choose this and have a great life, or choose this and have a not so great life.

Question: Do you have any suggestions on how to talk to our kids about sex? When and how did you do it?

Answer: We had “the talk” when our kids were around 12 years old. We had a hysterical book with chubby people, they went to dinner then they got naked! I wish I still had the book with the funny illustrations. I have two boys, and I gave the job to their dad. Boys are much easier to talk to. They don’t ask questions. They’re like, “Ew, mom!” But my main point is, you have to do it before somebody else does! Get your truth and your morals to them. Don’t let them hear it from somebody else first. If they don’t ask you questions, they’ll ask their friends, and you want them to hear it from you. In order to know “when,” you have to know your child. You can’t put an exact age on it. But these days, I would suggest doing it sooner than we did back then because times have changed and it’s so scary.

Answer: I have a daughter and she was around 10 when we talked about it. Then, she said to me, “Ew, yucky, mom you do that???” But seriously, if you use the real terms often then it won’t be so awkward when you have the talk. For example, you could say, “make sure you shower and wash your penis.” The more you use the terms, the less awkward it is when you have the talk. Also, American Girl has “Care for Yourself” books and other hygiene books.

Answer: What you DON’T want to do is never talk to your kids about it! In high school, kids made fun of me for not knowing the word “orgasm.” I would try to correct them and say, “You mean ‘organism’!” At 15 years old, I felt shamed by my peers.

Question: What are your top suggestions for staying organized?

Answer: I make a lot of lists for everything. On my phone I have a list of to-do’s, and I can cross things off. You can use the calendar on your phone, and set a reminder for 1-2 days before the event. Also, it’s so important to plan ahead. You can prepare meals ahead of time and make a menu for the week. Keep staples stocked in your cupboards, keep meat in the freezer, and keep your meals simple. Plan for emergencies, we all have them. Don’t wait until it’s too late.

Answer: Organization is hugely important! It takes longer when you can’t find things. Know where things are, organize everything, even the junk drawer. Being uncluttered with your surroundings helps your mind stay uncluttered. If you put things off, the piles will be overwhelming. The more organized you can be, and if you have a place for everything, it saves you so much time and energy.

Answer: As soon as they’re down for a nap get the diaper bag ready. On Sundays, write the meal plan for the week, and make sure you have groceries for it. Use leftovers for the next meal, and you’ll never have to stress about dinner.

Question: How do you handle low self-esteem?

Answer: Honestly, I didn’t want to come up here! I’m not good at it. But you just trudge on! I came from a dysfunctional family. I always blame myself, and I didn’t want to carry it on to my kids. In order to handle low self-esteem, just trust in the Lord. The Lord loves us and gives us grace. If you tend to be negative to yourself, and you start to second guess yourself, go back into the bible. God forgives us for things we say and do that we shouldn’t. God is faithful. He’s our constant, and He’s always there for us. Focus on Him and you’ll be fine. Focus on yourself and you will drown. You can’t do it alone. We may never grow out of our self-esteem issues. Satan tries to bring us down, we don’t have to let him.

Answer: Try not to compare yourself to others. God made you perfect just the way you are! (Reference to Psalm 139:14- I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.”)

Question: What’s the best parenting advice you’ve ever been given?

Answer: Enjoy each day! There are hard and challenging days, but enjoy each day, and each stage. Whatever they’re going through, just try to embrace it. Relate to their current stage in a meaningful way. People say they grow up fast, and it’s so true! Step back and embrace the moments. Put the phones down!

Answer: Pick your battles. Save the “no’s” for the moral issues. He wants to shave his head? Let him! Save the no’s. For boy moms: when they turn 15 or 16, they’ll start pushing back. God makes boys to be leaders. You don’t know why, and they don’t know why, but you’re fighting all the time. During this time, dad might take over. Teenage boys are starting to figure out the leader in them, so let them lead. Give them space to do that.

Question: How do you strike a balance between being over-protective and over-naïve of danger?

Answer: Let them experiment a little. Watch a little while they explore. There’s a poem about kite strings: your child is that kite and you’re holding the string. As they get older, you loosen it a little. But once they’re old enough, you have to let go! That’s when you know that God’s got them. It’s so hard to let go of those strings! (You can jump up and grab the string back if you want.) Our job as parents is to get our kids ready to walk out the door fully equipped.

Question: How do you instill a sense of gratitude in your kids?

Answer:  Have them write a thank you note. Talk about people who are less fortunate. Shop for kids less fortunate. Donate to charity. Tell our kids how blessed we are!

 Question: How do you keep your cool or minimize frustration?

Answer: It’s not effective to get really mad. I started NOT reacting; don’t instantly react. Be cool. Say, “I need you to go to your room,” and give yourself time to think about how you’re going to react. If you’re really emotional you can’t be impactful. Don’t fly off the handle. Prepare and think about the best way to handle the situation.

Question: If you could go back and tell your mom-self something you needed to hear when you were a young mom, what would you say?

Answer: The most important thing I learned was to always have some sort of quiet time with the Lord every day. Pray and read the bible. It will change your whole perspective. God will lead you step-by-step if you reach out and ask.

Answer: I would love to go back and not be worried about the house. I wish I took my kids to the park more! Who cares about the house, guys? When your kids are raised, you can have a clean house!

Answer: If I could go back, I would say, “You don’t have to make your bed before you do this.” It’s just not worth it. Time goes by in the blink of an eye, and your kids are grown. Don’t sweat the small stuff.

Answer: We were really involved with church, then we moved to a new place and work became everything. For 4 years, God wasn’t a priority. I give caution to always make God a priority. Do a daily devotional. Start your day by connecting with the Lord, and it will make a big difference.

Answer: We lost our son at age 20. I am so thankful to say that I was a stay-at-home-mom, and I have great memories with my kids. I hated a dirty house, but we had toys out and dirty dishes in the sink, and I just let it go so I could play with the kids. Spend as much time as you can because it’s over in a blink. When they’re older, it’s not the same as when they were little.

Answer: Have one-on-one time. We did everything as a herd, so it was hard to have one-on-one time and I wish that we did that.

Answer: (Bonus: only shared at the blue table!) Get a housekeeper when your kids are little. Don’t be ashamed of that. They can do in 4 hours what we could do in 15.

            A BIG thank you to all of our Mentor Moms for sharing today!! What a gift we have being moms. Enjoy the rest of your day, everyone, and God Bless!

Written/Recorded by Amber Graziano